Say Hello to Kool Barbados


Simon Cowell “Barbados Facts Libellous” – Gets Apology by imonz69

Late yesterday we at KoolBarbados received our first ever temporary retraining injection. Issued by a sweaty bewigged – even when swimming and ‘wokking-up’ and thereby presumed bald until proven otherwise – British Lord High Justice. Currently on holiday in Barbados.  Demanding apologises and substantial damages for what Simon Cowell claims are erroneous facts contained in an article about the said Simon Cowell in yesterday’s online edition of KoolBarbados.

After exchanging overheated Hotmails and holding lengthy almost-free Skype conversations – and can anyone explain just how they do it. (i.e. almost free) – with a representative from Simon Cowell’s prestigious London law firm of Perry, Perry, Chew & Perry our own crack lawyers have instructed KoolBarbados to unreservedly and unequivocally publish the following corrections without knowing – or caring – if they contain a smidgen of truth:

1. While the owner(s) concede “The Sands” building on Payne’s Bay could be called “grotesque” or worse, it did not cost £35million and does not belong exclusively to Mr. Cowell. It cost only £33.6million and is owned equally by Mr. Cowell, Roman Abramovich, Didier Drogba, Djibril Cissé and the Bernard Madoff Feed the Children Foundation. (Ed. Thought to be Bernard Madoff’s children by Federal agents unraveling the biggest Ponzi swindle in history.)

2. “The Sands” was not named after Tina Sinatra’s first husband, Tommy. Mr. Abramovich chose the name from a list of 10 when told the building would be located on a beach after the indigenous inhabitatants had been forcibly evicted.

3. The potholed stretch of Highway 1 in front of “The Sands” is no more potholed than any other similarly long stretch of Highway 1 and “The Sands potholes” can thereby not be blamed on Mr. Cowell, Roman Abramovich, Didier Drogba, Djibril Cissé and the Bernard Madoff Feed the Children Foundation. Collectively or individually.

4. Mr. Cowell’s nipples are not hairy. He spends a great deal of money on waxes and depilatories to keep them both collectively or individually exposed in the Daily Mail, hair-free and visible. As proof KoolBarbados – although we swore we never again would – reluctantly publishes this picture (as small as physically possible) as proof.

cowell
5. Mr. Cowell’s mother agrees she did say, ‘I would still love to see Simon settle down and I believe, one day, he will.” And also, ‘But as for having any children.” But rejects totally saying, ‘I’m not so sure I want any more.’ What she thinks she meant to say was, “I’m not sure I want any more.”

In lieu of a substantial payment of damages to Mr. Cowell, Roman Abramovich, Didier Drogba, Djibril Cissé and the Bernard Madoff Feed the Children Foundation KoolBarbados has obtained their agreement – individually and collectively – to donate the full amount to the “Fill-in the nasty gash (Ed. “channel”)at Port St. Charles preventing Six Mens, Half Moon Fort and Checker Hall residents from walking along the beach to Speightstown as their forefathers and foremothers have done for countless generations.

KoolBarbados thanks Mr. Cowell, Roman Abramovich, Didier Drogba, Djibril Cissé and the Bernard Madoff Feed the Children Foundation unreservedly for this wonderful gesture.

Praying and hoping we won’t have to write about them – and Michael Winner, especially Michael Winner – until next Festivus.

Comments Off on Simon Cowell “Barbados Facts Libellous” – Gets Apology