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Rihanna victim of global meltdown? by imonz69

By now everyone on the planet knows a millionaire Grammy-no-show teenage entertainer – thought to be Rihanna – was savagely beaten and bitten on Sunday by her millionaire Grammy-no-show teenage entertainer boyfriend – known to be Wrigley Doublemint spokesman Chris Brown.


In keeping with well-established LAPD rules covering lover’s tiffs that turn violent and sometimes result in death by stabbing followed by interminable trials that end in “Not Guilty” verdicts, no details of the altercation have been made public.

Although it is widely rumoured 19-year-old Rihanna’s face was badly disfigured. And because her arms and shoulders bear what can only be described as human teeth marks police pathologists are distributing photographs to dentists throughout Beverly Hills asking if “the bite” corresponds to that of any of their patients.

Wild speculation rages about the cause of the bust-up. Most eye-witnesses trying to get invited on Larry King Live say the root cause was jealousy but it’s not clear who was jealous of whom? Did Rihanna dance with too many men at a pre-Grammy party. Or did Mr. ex-Doublemint chat-up too many “ho’s and beatches?”

According to a spokesperson in Mark Garagos’s* law firm who is not allowed to divulge any information of any kind, Mark Garagos is handling the male assailant’s case.

At the risk of disbarring – and possibly dismembering – himself for life the spokesperson also said friction between the kiddie millionaires started weeks ago when both Rihanna and ex-Wrigley guy saw their hard earned dollars before the age of 18 evaporating in the current worldwide economic meltdown. By some accounts Rihanna is now only worth $3.8 million and her brutal consort less than $2.3 million.

A Hollywood “Therapist to the Stars” told KoolBarbados when entertainers lose so much money at such an early age it can have devastating results. “Normal adults row about whether to buy a new Chevvy or go on vacation to Mexico,” she said. “Teenage warblers can’t handle the pressure. Imagine if you wanted to arrive at the Grammys in a 2010 $250,000 Lamborghini and the only way to get one was to rent it for the evening?”

A spokesperson for the Whitney Houston Spousal Abuse Rehabilitation Institute in Malibu said, “If this proves to be true the cowardly martial-arts-trained thug who attacked Rihanna with fists and teeth should get at least ten years. And isn’t it odd that his surname is also Brown?”

*Mark Garagos is the Hollywood “Defence Lawyer to the Stars” who loses more high profile cases than he wins (i.e. Winona Ryder, Scott Peterson,) and who’ll ever forget why Michael Jackson fired him in the middle of his child-molestation case?

And remember, you read it here first.


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Obama Predicts Barbados, Trinidad & Baruba Bank Failures by imonz69

US President Barack Obama today warned that some pretty large Caribbean banks are likely to fail within the next few days, as the full extent of their involvement in financing speculative luxury beachfront condos becomes clear.

Speaking exclusively to The Baruba Post, Mr Obama said “some banks just won’t make it” but hoped that middle- and working-class obamapeople’s deposits would be safe. “If a bank or a financial institution is – or was – dumb enough to finance construction of condos selling for millions of dollars and especially since the sub-prime scam broke over a year ago they’re going to face tough decisions,” he said.

The president was particularly critical of those banks giving crack executives obscene bonuses for throwing cheap money at building developers who deliberately misled potential buyers by claiming their properties would be in protected, gated communities with access to private beaches.

“They don’t know about Trinidad and/or Tobago but my CIA contacts assure me all beaches in Barbados and Baruba are completely public. And it’s up to the banks when lending money to make sure their clients act properly and in the best interest of customers by sticking to the bare truth in their ads and brochures. Although in these difficult times it’s not unusual for people bogged down in the surreal estate swamp to exaggerate a tad.”

Mr Obama said he was confident his stimulation package would gain Senate approval within days and plans to make a primetime TV appearance telling the “American People” to “Stimulate Your Package” to cheer them up before dozens more banks collapse and thousands lose their, jobs, homes and SUV’s by the hour.

And remember you read it here first.


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St. Peter’s Bay Barbados – What “Private Beachfront?” by imonz69


With the UK now officially in recession, with the economy shrinking at its fastest rate for nearly 30 years we’re sorry to hear you’ve lost most of your fortune. Through no fault of your own. Well, perhaps through some fault of your own. Like profligate spending instead of saving for a sunny day in Barbados. But no use crying over spilt…etc.

Gone are the university fees, the 2010 BMW, the promise from your bank manager – who no longer works there – to finance a luxury apartment on a tropical private beach (see above) and if that wasn’t bad enough you don’t know if, and when, you’ll be able to retire before 68 with enough funds to live off even by scraping through on sardines and the other bare necessities.

Well, we can’t help you. Sorry about that.

But this might cheer you up.

It’s common practice in advertisements for luxury gated beachfront property in Barbados to make potential buyers think they are getting a private beach. It’s never actually spelled-out. Fudge words are used to make you think the beach is private.

Here’s a classic example from St. Peter’s Bay which in their own words…

“…is a new private beachfront community on the exclusive West Coast of Barbados developed by an experienced team with a proven track record in successful real estate development. The design offers expansive ocean views, privacy, spacious floor plans, high quality finishes, and numerous amenities. This project promises to be one of the island’s premier beachfront developments.”

Reading that you’d expect a “private beachfront” – whatever that means. We’d bet whoever coined it wanted you to think “private beach.” And looking here you’d also think, “Wow that’s some kind of private beach!”


Well the only “private beachfront” at this development is the “private beach front of the property.” i.e. The front wall of the property facing the beach.


Yes, the very few, mainly Russians, left with enough money to buy outright or get financing on their St. Peter’s Bay private beachfront pad will look down from their $5.8 million investment to see and hear happy screaming kids playing football, lovers necking in that still and always azure-blue sea, nighttime bonfires with breadfruits roasting, loud soca and reggae music – incidentally, things locals have been doing on their precious Barbados beaches for generations – and no elite squad of armed & uniformed security guards with ferocious pit bulls can keep them away.

And to the vast silent and humbled majority out there unable to sleep at nights and panicking over the retirement question, come on be honest, aren’t you glad you lost all your money before signing a contract to buy so you don’t have the added burden of staggering lawyers fees to release you from the deal by suing the developers, claiming false advertising promised you a private beach?

Altogether now, say “Thank you, KoolBarbados.”

And remember you read it here first.


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Whining Winner Trashes Sandy Lane “Loser” by imonz69

To help Barbados through the current economic crunch KoolBarbados is starting an exciting new series where we invite visiting almost-celebrities to select a Barbados restaurant of their choice and write a glowing article about the food, ambiance and service. At our expense.

Today, the bitchier than ever through advancing age Michael Winner, our first almost-celebrity, tells us how much – or not – he enjoyed a recent visit to Sandy Lane, world-renowned as the “most luxurious hotel in the West Indies.”

My friend Gordon Ramsay famously said, “Michael Winner knows nothing about food.” At last I’ve found someone who knows less about food than me.

Not only less about food, but less about presentation, about how to treat people . . . in fact I’ve met the most awful example of the so-called “hospitality industry” I’ve come across in 70 years of eating in the finest restaurants all over the world. Quite a nonachievement. This man is ridiculous.

Stop. Don’t get overexcited. “Calm down, dear, it’s only a chef.” He’s Grant MacPherson, culinary director and head chef of Sandy Lane, Barbados. His food is unbelievably awful.

He struts round the dining room like a waxwork on display, a carefully tended little triangle of white hair under his lower lip. One lady on the beach said, “I’d like to rip it off.” I understand her angst. If I had £1 for every guest who said to me, “Be sure to hammer that ghastly chef,” I’d be . . . well, about £53 richer.

MacPherson is far and away the worst choice of chef since Dermot Desmond so beautifully rebuilt and improved Sandy Lane. It’s been the subject of a considerable makeover, largely successful.

The Bajan Blue dining area looks much better, but the surfaces available for displaying food are considerably reduced. So choice is limited. One of the star items of the Sandy Lane buffet was always the suckling pig, with its lovely crackling skin. This year chef MacPherson cut me a piece, saying, “That’s real crackling.” It wasn’t. It was inedible rubber.

When I asked why after 27 years Sandy Lane could no longer produce a properly cooked pig MacPherson replied sneeringly, “I don’t know about Bajan pig, I know about Hawaiian pig – that’s cooked in the earth.”

“We’re not in Hawaii,” I said to Geraldine. “We’re in Barbados and it’s on his menu.”

If you said anything to MacPherson that wasn’t total praise he looked as if you’d vanished, and walked away. He came over one evening with a single duck pancake on a plate, as if presenting a rare diamond. The duck was old and tired. The pancake was like leather. Guests passed by saying how awful the duck pancakes were. MacPherson swanned around in his own little world. Mr Chef on a pack of playing cards.

The Christmas goose was dry and horrid. The Christmas cake solid goo with no taste, no liquidity, no texture. The brandy butter was just pathetic pouring cream. The mince pies, hard and with no flavour. Last year both were superb. Under Richard Ekkebus a couple of years ago the food was fantastic.

Grant MacPherson came from running 4,000-room casino hotels in Las Vegas. What has that to do with a small, luxury beach resort? One VIP guest said, “When you cater for casino gamblers they never even know where they are let alone what they’ve eaten or what time of day it is. There are no clocks.” MacPherson and Sandy Lane are a total mismatch.

The new general manager, Robert Logan, on the other hand, came from six years in charge of Raffles hotel, Rangoon. I liked him. If he can flex his muscles and not sink under the gargantuan ego of chef MacPherson I think he’ll do well.

Some of the other memorably awful food I ate included pizzas with a soggy base; dreary sausage and mash; chewy, tasteless flank steak; feeble spare ribs; shepherd’s pie, all potato, little meat; sweet and sour pork like school dinners at their worst; chicken curry with cashew nuts, soggy and grotesque. Some good food, but not, in my opinion, enough to satisfy many guests, paying for food alone Bd$181.50 (£66), and on Friday and Sunday Bd$302.5 (£110). So with drinks and coffee five days would be at least £80 a head, the other two days £130 a head. No wonder the well-heeled were moaning.

There were shallow bowls of food on offer. Underneath, cold plates to eat from. “What happened to plate warmers?” I asked MacPherson. “It’s a design fault,” he said dismissively. Nothing was ever down to him.

Sandy Lane’s website said MacPherson “spearheaded the evolution of the new all-day dining restaurant”. Spearheading obviously didn’t include ordering plate warmers. The day before I left, some overhead heaters turned up which made the plates so hot Geraldine couldn’t pick them up.

Another MacPherson spearheading example was two display units. They replaced the highly effective ice-base used before with a supposedly cold area. The surfaces were not that cold. One of the units had a boiling-hot half.

“Why are the chilled Scottish langoustines sitting on a hot surface?” I asked. The food and beverage manager said, “It’s the motor.”

A famous London restaurateur walked by. “Look, Jimmy, cold fish on a hot place, that’s novel,” I said.

“I wouldn’t eat that,” said Jimmy, adding of the area in general, “The presentation of it is nice, but the practicality isn’t.” I could go on, probably will.

A CRAVEN DISCLAIMER: To avoid ruinous lawsuits KoolBarbados has not started an exciting new series to help Barbados get through the current economic crunch and therefore did not send Michael Winner to Sandy Lane.

We had the misfortune of confronting Michael Winner some years ago and found him then to be an odious twerp. Since then he’s morphed into an odious shrivelled arrogant food snob twerp who’s way past his sell-by date.

But to his eternal credit he did write this article and you’ll find it here unless Sandy Lane gets a temporary retraining injection from a sweaty bewigged High Court Justice.

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Stop the Gaza Slaughter by imonz69
12/01/2009, 23:24
Filed under: Uncategorized

Watching the BBC, CNN and FOX you’d think Israel is fighting against an army.

Israel is not fighting against an army because Gaza doesn’t have an army.

At the time of this post close to 1,000 Gazans are dead – killed by the Israeli army – and over 3,000 injured, most of them seriously injured.

Watch this for a perspective you’ll never hear on the BBC, CNN and FOX.

George Galloway doesn’t say this so we will.

For some time now both the U.S.A. and Israel are using an almost foolproof new warfare tactic.

“Never attack and invade a nation or state you haven’t reduced to poverty, misery and impotence beforehand.”

And seen for you in The Guardian:

Israel is facing growing demands from senior UN officials and human rights groups for an international war crimes investigation in Gaza over allegations such as the “reckless and indiscriminate” shelling of residential areas and use of Palestinian families as human shields by soldiers.

With the death toll from the 17-day Israeli assault on Gaza climbing above 900, pressure is increasing for an independent inquiry into specific incidents, such as the shelling of a UN school turned refugee centre where about 40 people died, as well as the question of whether the military tactics used by Israel systematically breached humanitarian law.

The UN’s senior human rights body approved a resolution yesterday condemning the Israeli offensive for “massive violations of human rights”. A senior UN source said the body’s humanitarian agencies were compiling evidence of war crimes and passing it on to the “highest levels” to be used as seen fit.

Some human rights activists allege that the Israeli leadership gave an order to keep military casualties low no matter what cost to civilians. That strategy has directly contributed to one of the bloodiest Israeli assaults on the Palestinian territories, they say.

John Ging, head of the UN Palestinian refugee agency in Gaza, said: “It’s about accountability [over] the issue of the appropriateness of the force used, the proportionality of the force used and the whole issue of duty of care of civilians.

“We don’t want to join any chorus of passing judgment but there should be an investigation of any and every incident where there are concerns there might have been violations in international law.”

The Israeli military are accused of:

• Using powerful shells in civilian areas which the army knew would cause large numbers of innocent casualties;

• Using banned weapons such as phosphorus bombs;

• Holding Palestinian families as human shields;

• Attacking medical facilities, including the killing of 12 ambulance men in marked vehicles;

• Killing large numbers of police who had no military role.

Israeli military actions prompted an unusual public rebuke from the International Red Cross after the army moved a Palestinian family into a building and shelled it, killing 30. The surviving children clung to the bodies of their dead mothers for four days while the army blocked rescuers from reaching the wounded.

Human Rights Watch has called on the UN security council to set up a commission of inquiry into alleged war crimes.

Two leading Israeli human rights organisations have separately written to the country’s attorney general demanding he investigate the allegations.

But critics remain sceptical that any such inquiry will take place, given that Israel has previously blocked similar attempts with the backing of the US.

Amnesty International says hitting residential streets with shells that send blast and shrapnel over a wide area constitutes “prima facie evidence of war crimes”.

“There has been reckless and disproportionate and in some cases indiscriminate use of force,” said Donatella Rovera, an Amnesty investigator in Israel. “There has been the use of weaponry that shouldn’t be used in densely populated areas because it’s known that it will cause civilian fatalities and casualties.

“They have extremely sophisticated missiles that can be guided to a moving car and they choose to use other weapons or decide to drop a bomb on a house knowing that there were women and children inside. These are very, very clear breaches of international law.”

Israel’s most prominent human rights organisation, B’Tselem, has written to the attorney general in Jerusalem, Meni Mazuz, asking him to investigate suspected crimes including how the military selects its targets and the killing of scores of policemen at a passing out parade.

“Many of the targets seem not to have been legitimate military targets as specified by international humanitarian law,” said Sarit Michaeli of B’Tselem.

Rovera has also collected evidence that the Israeli army holds Palestinian families prisoner in their own homes as human shields. “It’s standard practice for Israeli soldiers to go into a house, lock up the family in a room on the ground floor and use the rest of the house as a military base, as a sniper’s position. That is the absolute textbook case of human shields.

“It has been practised by the Israeli army for many years and they are doing it again in Gaza now,” she said.

While there are growing calls for an international investigation, the form it would take is less clear. The UN’s human rights council has the authority to investigate allegations of war crimes but Israel has blocked its previous attempts to do so. The UN security council could order an investigation, and even set up a war crimes tribunal, but that is likely to be vetoed by the US and probably Britain.

The international criminal court has no jurisdiction because Israel is not a signatory. The UN security council could refer the matter to the court but is unlikely to.

Benjamin Rutland, a spokesman for the Israeli military, said an international investigation of the army’s actions was not justified. “We have international lawyers at every level of the command whose job it is to authorise targeting decisions, rules of engagement … We don’t think we have breached international law in any of these instances,” he said.

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Barbados Luxury Property Bargains by imonz69

CAUTION: To save you wasting time and getting frustrated reading today’s post, it’s (Ed. “the post”) well, posted, to appeal only to the small number of U.S. investors with sufficiently large funds in numbered accounts onshore and/or offshore. Or both.

Boy, how we sympathise with you. We know the feeling. Been there done that. Tossing and turning at night, hoping and praying to avoid close scrutiny and embarrassing audits by U.S. Federal Agents fighting the “War on Ponzis.”

For you – it’s too late for us – there’s help at hand. To get you in the mood we’re showing here but a few of the luxury properties currently available in Barbados at astonishingly-low bargain prices. Some even for less than the cost of construction for a quick sale. (Clearly marked with a ***)

Think the “Feds” won’t let you? (Ed. “Buy luxury property in Barbados.”) They just might if you purchase it legally under an assumed Liechtenstein charity name. (Scroll down to find-out how.)

Batt’s Rock, St. Michael, 6 en suite bedrooms, 6 1/2 baths, 1 acre covered patio, 3 horizon pools (1 indoor), projection room, 4 car garage, independent from electricity grid through solar power, overlooking Batt’s Rock Beach officially said to be public but isn’t. Was US$38.7 million. Now $US26.4 million or nearest offer for quick sale.***

Foul Bay, St. Philip: A modest little trinket. Ideal for a lusty retired couple. Who needs a beach if you can luxuriate in this horizon pool? 2 bedrooms each with own bathroom and plasma TV, a sensational dining/kitchen/living area with three 52″ Sony HD Plasma TV’s and Dolby 2.3.8 SurroundSound. Was US$9.5 million. Now US$6.2 million or nearest offer for quick sale.***

Mount Hillaby, St. Andrew: Atop the highest point of Barbados with ocean views on all sides. 6 bathrooms 6 1/2 baths, automated solar-driven rotating dining area follows the sun, miniature private polo field, stable for 2 stallions, kitchen tops inlaid with virgin-rubbed-hard Indonesian teak, 6 Plasma TV’s can be installed at buyers wish. Was $US26.7 million. Now $US19.7 million or nearest offer for quick sale.***

The Garden, St. James: Featured already in yesterday’s post. Unfortunately through a transmission error incorrect prices were shown. Instead of the published $US5.6 million reduced from $US6.3 million the correct figures are $US15.6 million reduced from $US16.3 million.

And repeating the other astonishing offer from our last post.
One year’s free pool maintenance on any villa purchased for over $US4 million before 1 March 2009

How does this “Beat the Anti-Ponzi Fuzz” scam (Ed. “Scheme?”) work?

Use Skype only to call this number in Liechtenstein +423 238 39 39 (ext.254). Hang up immediately if a woman answers. Try again later and if a man says “Wolf Blitzer” give him the password “Port St. Charles” and tell him KoolBarbados sent you.

Remember, yet again, you saw it here first.

Available for only $4.50 Duty Free at Cave Shepherd, Chefette, KFC,
Jordans Speightstown & Super Centre Sunset Crest with any purchase over $135.
And at all branches of FCIB with any deposit or withdrawal over $450.
(Currently XXL & XXXL only.)

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Barbados Spurns Global Cash Crunch by imonz69

Through its year-round temperate climate, happy, friendly, welcoming people, drug and crime-free environment, perfect pothole-free and traffic-jam free road system and relaxed beachfront building codes Barbados has long been considered immune from the vagaries of international credit squeezes and currency fluctuations.

St. James Villa, $5.6 million reduced from $6.3 million

Crack millionaire hedge-fund manipulators, knee-nobbled English Premiership footballers, retired rock stars unconcerned by illegal downloading of their “hit” and alleged members of the Russian Mafia have all invested heavily in Barbados.

And until as late as November 2008 one property developer was offering $35 million homes with private freshwater shark pools in full-page ads in the International Herald Tribune and the United Arab Emirates Gazette.

One year’s free pool maintenance on any villa purchased for over $4 million before 1 March 2009

But as the big finger moved inexorably over – or in some cases, under – the little one into 2009 spectacular firework displays along the “Platinum” West Coast couldn’t hide the fact the clock was no longer ticking quite as fast as usual. (Ed. One second slow.)

Or the bell was not tolling for whom the bell should. (Ed. “toll.”)

Get your yacht-berth free and unlimited “Le Mer” lunches with any purchase over $9.3 million

Foreign millionaires awoke to the horrific realisation that they were no longer, (Ed. i.e. “millionaires”) and found themselves suddenly unqualified to obtain credit for massive overseas purchases until they paid off the outstanding balances on their Visa, American Express and MasterCard cards.

Letters fluttered into their heavily over-mortgaged first homes announcing increases in mortgage-repayment rates and threatening foreclosure – or worse. Although for an out-of-work banker or investment broker it’s hard to think of anything worse except possibly repossession of the $200,000 Bentley in the icy courtyard.

Throughout the Free World no country was spared. Britain, Canada, Russia, Germany, France, Australia, (Ed. That’s enough names of countries. We get it.) the story was the same.

But good old Barbados isn’t called Barbados for nothing.

How did the island nation – without proven exportable natural resources – respond?

Ideal for nature explorations, tourist “Safaris” or just plain beach fun! 13 low-mileage Humvees. Driven by old ladies. Make us an offer.

By savagely dropping prices and offering interest free loans to qualified buyers. By arranging for “Cash Back” payments to be deposited under an assumed name in “the Liechtenstein bank or financial institution of your choice.” By throwing-in free pool maintenance to anyone buying property worth over $4 million by 1 March 2009.

One enterprising car importer even offered his entire stock of barely-driven U.S. Army “Certified as Landmine & IED Safe” Humvees to the lowest bidder.

And as a sign of Barbadian creativity and resourcefulness the owners and operators of the controversial Port St. Charles Marina ran full-page ads in the International Herald Tribune and the United Arab Emirates Gazette giving-away yacht docking rights and free lunches at “Le Mer” to anyone buying a $9.3 million (or over) beachfront apartment.

Will this tactic work? Only time – when it returns to normal – will tell and KoolBarbados will tell you.

And remember, yet again, you saw it here first.

Available for only $4.50 Duty Free at Cave Shepherd, Chefette, KFC,
Jordans Speightstown & Super Centre Sunset Crest with any purchase over $135.
And at all branches of FCIB with any deposit or withdrawal over $450.
(Currently XXL & XXXL only.)

fabulous offers shown above were chosen completely at random. To promote investment in Barbados during these troubled times. There are hundreds more. Please contact your travel agent, property developer and bank (Ed. Especially bank holding your mortgage) to take advantage. But hurry.

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