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St. Peter’s Bay Barbados – What “Private Beachfront?” by imonz69


With the UK now officially in recession, with the economy shrinking at its fastest rate for nearly 30 years we’re sorry to hear you’ve lost most of your fortune. Through no fault of your own. Well, perhaps through some fault of your own. Like profligate spending instead of saving for a sunny day in Barbados. But no use crying over spilt…etc.

Gone are the university fees, the 2010 BMW, the promise from your bank manager – who no longer works there – to finance a luxury apartment on a tropical private beach (see above) and if that wasn’t bad enough you don’t know if, and when, you’ll be able to retire before 68 with enough funds to live off even by scraping through on sardines and the other bare necessities.

Well, we can’t help you. Sorry about that.

But this might cheer you up.

It’s common practice in advertisements for luxury gated beachfront property in Barbados to make potential buyers think they are getting a private beach. It’s never actually spelled-out. Fudge words are used to make you think the beach is private.

Here’s a classic example from St. Peter’s Bay which in their own words…

“…is a new private beachfront community on the exclusive West Coast of Barbados developed by an experienced team with a proven track record in successful real estate development. The design offers expansive ocean views, privacy, spacious floor plans, high quality finishes, and numerous amenities. This project promises to be one of the island’s premier beachfront developments.”

Reading that you’d expect a “private beachfront” – whatever that means. We’d bet whoever coined it wanted you to think “private beach.” And looking here you’d also think, “Wow that’s some kind of private beach!”


Well the only “private beachfront” at this development is the “private beach front of the property.” i.e. The front wall of the property facing the beach.


Yes, the very few, mainly Russians, left with enough money to buy outright or get financing on their St. Peter’s Bay private beachfront pad will look down from their $5.8 million investment to see and hear happy screaming kids playing football, lovers necking in that still and always azure-blue sea, nighttime bonfires with breadfruits roasting, loud soca and reggae music – incidentally, things locals have been doing on their precious Barbados beaches for generations – and no elite squad of armed & uniformed security guards with ferocious pit bulls can keep them away.

And to the vast silent and humbled majority out there unable to sleep at nights and panicking over the retirement question, come on be honest, aren’t you glad you lost all your money before signing a contract to buy so you don’t have the added burden of staggering lawyers fees to release you from the deal by suing the developers, claiming false advertising promised you a private beach?

Altogether now, say “Thank you, KoolBarbados.”

And remember you read it here first.


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Whining Winner Trashes Sandy Lane “Loser” by imonz69

To help Barbados through the current economic crunch KoolBarbados is starting an exciting new series where we invite visiting almost-celebrities to select a Barbados restaurant of their choice and write a glowing article about the food, ambiance and service. At our expense.

Today, the bitchier than ever through advancing age Michael Winner, our first almost-celebrity, tells us how much – or not – he enjoyed a recent visit to Sandy Lane, world-renowned as the “most luxurious hotel in the West Indies.”

My friend Gordon Ramsay famously said, “Michael Winner knows nothing about food.” At last I’ve found someone who knows less about food than me.

Not only less about food, but less about presentation, about how to treat people . . . in fact I’ve met the most awful example of the so-called “hospitality industry” I’ve come across in 70 years of eating in the finest restaurants all over the world. Quite a nonachievement. This man is ridiculous.

Stop. Don’t get overexcited. “Calm down, dear, it’s only a chef.” He’s Grant MacPherson, culinary director and head chef of Sandy Lane, Barbados. His food is unbelievably awful.

He struts round the dining room like a waxwork on display, a carefully tended little triangle of white hair under his lower lip. One lady on the beach said, “I’d like to rip it off.” I understand her angst. If I had £1 for every guest who said to me, “Be sure to hammer that ghastly chef,” I’d be . . . well, about £53 richer.

MacPherson is far and away the worst choice of chef since Dermot Desmond so beautifully rebuilt and improved Sandy Lane. It’s been the subject of a considerable makeover, largely successful.

The Bajan Blue dining area looks much better, but the surfaces available for displaying food are considerably reduced. So choice is limited. One of the star items of the Sandy Lane buffet was always the suckling pig, with its lovely crackling skin. This year chef MacPherson cut me a piece, saying, “That’s real crackling.” It wasn’t. It was inedible rubber.

When I asked why after 27 years Sandy Lane could no longer produce a properly cooked pig MacPherson replied sneeringly, “I don’t know about Bajan pig, I know about Hawaiian pig – that’s cooked in the earth.”

“We’re not in Hawaii,” I said to Geraldine. “We’re in Barbados and it’s on his menu.”

If you said anything to MacPherson that wasn’t total praise he looked as if you’d vanished, and walked away. He came over one evening with a single duck pancake on a plate, as if presenting a rare diamond. The duck was old and tired. The pancake was like leather. Guests passed by saying how awful the duck pancakes were. MacPherson swanned around in his own little world. Mr Chef on a pack of playing cards.

The Christmas goose was dry and horrid. The Christmas cake solid goo with no taste, no liquidity, no texture. The brandy butter was just pathetic pouring cream. The mince pies, hard and with no flavour. Last year both were superb. Under Richard Ekkebus a couple of years ago the food was fantastic.

Grant MacPherson came from running 4,000-room casino hotels in Las Vegas. What has that to do with a small, luxury beach resort? One VIP guest said, “When you cater for casino gamblers they never even know where they are let alone what they’ve eaten or what time of day it is. There are no clocks.” MacPherson and Sandy Lane are a total mismatch.

The new general manager, Robert Logan, on the other hand, came from six years in charge of Raffles hotel, Rangoon. I liked him. If he can flex his muscles and not sink under the gargantuan ego of chef MacPherson I think he’ll do well.

Some of the other memorably awful food I ate included pizzas with a soggy base; dreary sausage and mash; chewy, tasteless flank steak; feeble spare ribs; shepherd’s pie, all potato, little meat; sweet and sour pork like school dinners at their worst; chicken curry with cashew nuts, soggy and grotesque. Some good food, but not, in my opinion, enough to satisfy many guests, paying for food alone Bd$181.50 (£66), and on Friday and Sunday Bd$302.5 (£110). So with drinks and coffee five days would be at least £80 a head, the other two days £130 a head. No wonder the well-heeled were moaning.

There were shallow bowls of food on offer. Underneath, cold plates to eat from. “What happened to plate warmers?” I asked MacPherson. “It’s a design fault,” he said dismissively. Nothing was ever down to him.

Sandy Lane’s website said MacPherson “spearheaded the evolution of the new all-day dining restaurant”. Spearheading obviously didn’t include ordering plate warmers. The day before I left, some overhead heaters turned up which made the plates so hot Geraldine couldn’t pick them up.

Another MacPherson spearheading example was two display units. They replaced the highly effective ice-base used before with a supposedly cold area. The surfaces were not that cold. One of the units had a boiling-hot half.

“Why are the chilled Scottish langoustines sitting on a hot surface?” I asked. The food and beverage manager said, “It’s the motor.”

A famous London restaurateur walked by. “Look, Jimmy, cold fish on a hot place, that’s novel,” I said.

“I wouldn’t eat that,” said Jimmy, adding of the area in general, “The presentation of it is nice, but the practicality isn’t.” I could go on, probably will.

A CRAVEN DISCLAIMER: To avoid ruinous lawsuits KoolBarbados has not started an exciting new series to help Barbados get through the current economic crunch and therefore did not send Michael Winner to Sandy Lane.

We had the misfortune of confronting Michael Winner some years ago and found him then to be an odious twerp. Since then he’s morphed into an odious shrivelled arrogant food snob twerp who’s way past his sell-by date.

But to his eternal credit he did write this article and you’ll find it here unless Sandy Lane gets a temporary retraining injection from a sweaty bewigged High Court Justice.

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Barbados Luxury Property Bargains by imonz69

CAUTION: To save you wasting time and getting frustrated reading today’s post, it’s (Ed. “the post”) well, posted, to appeal only to the small number of U.S. investors with sufficiently large funds in numbered accounts onshore and/or offshore. Or both.

Boy, how we sympathise with you. We know the feeling. Been there done that. Tossing and turning at night, hoping and praying to avoid close scrutiny and embarrassing audits by U.S. Federal Agents fighting the “War on Ponzis.”

For you – it’s too late for us – there’s help at hand. To get you in the mood we’re showing here but a few of the luxury properties currently available in Barbados at astonishingly-low bargain prices. Some even for less than the cost of construction for a quick sale. (Clearly marked with a ***)

Think the “Feds” won’t let you? (Ed. “Buy luxury property in Barbados.”) They just might if you purchase it legally under an assumed Liechtenstein charity name. (Scroll down to find-out how.)

Batt’s Rock, St. Michael, 6 en suite bedrooms, 6 1/2 baths, 1 acre covered patio, 3 horizon pools (1 indoor), projection room, 4 car garage, independent from electricity grid through solar power, overlooking Batt’s Rock Beach officially said to be public but isn’t. Was US$38.7 million. Now $US26.4 million or nearest offer for quick sale.***

Foul Bay, St. Philip: A modest little trinket. Ideal for a lusty retired couple. Who needs a beach if you can luxuriate in this horizon pool? 2 bedrooms each with own bathroom and plasma TV, a sensational dining/kitchen/living area with three 52″ Sony HD Plasma TV’s and Dolby 2.3.8 SurroundSound. Was US$9.5 million. Now US$6.2 million or nearest offer for quick sale.***

Mount Hillaby, St. Andrew: Atop the highest point of Barbados with ocean views on all sides. 6 bathrooms 6 1/2 baths, automated solar-driven rotating dining area follows the sun, miniature private polo field, stable for 2 stallions, kitchen tops inlaid with virgin-rubbed-hard Indonesian teak, 6 Plasma TV’s can be installed at buyers wish. Was $US26.7 million. Now $US19.7 million or nearest offer for quick sale.***

The Garden, St. James: Featured already in yesterday’s post. Unfortunately through a transmission error incorrect prices were shown. Instead of the published $US5.6 million reduced from $US6.3 million the correct figures are $US15.6 million reduced from $US16.3 million.

And repeating the other astonishing offer from our last post.
One year’s free pool maintenance on any villa purchased for over $US4 million before 1 March 2009

How does this “Beat the Anti-Ponzi Fuzz” scam (Ed. “Scheme?”) work?

Use Skype only to call this number in Liechtenstein +423 238 39 39 (ext.254). Hang up immediately if a woman answers. Try again later and if a man says “Wolf Blitzer” give him the password “Port St. Charles” and tell him KoolBarbados sent you.

Remember, yet again, you saw it here first.

Available for only $4.50 Duty Free at Cave Shepherd, Chefette, KFC,
Jordans Speightstown & Super Centre Sunset Crest with any purchase over $135.
And at all branches of FCIB with any deposit or withdrawal over $450.
(Currently XXL & XXXL only.)

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Barbados Spurns Global Cash Crunch by imonz69

Through its year-round temperate climate, happy, friendly, welcoming people, drug and crime-free environment, perfect pothole-free and traffic-jam free road system and relaxed beachfront building codes Barbados has long been considered immune from the vagaries of international credit squeezes and currency fluctuations.

St. James Villa, $5.6 million reduced from $6.3 million

Crack millionaire hedge-fund manipulators, knee-nobbled English Premiership footballers, retired rock stars unconcerned by illegal downloading of their “hit” and alleged members of the Russian Mafia have all invested heavily in Barbados.

And until as late as November 2008 one property developer was offering $35 million homes with private freshwater shark pools in full-page ads in the International Herald Tribune and the United Arab Emirates Gazette.

One year’s free pool maintenance on any villa purchased for over $4 million before 1 March 2009

But as the big finger moved inexorably over – or in some cases, under – the little one into 2009 spectacular firework displays along the “Platinum” West Coast couldn’t hide the fact the clock was no longer ticking quite as fast as usual. (Ed. One second slow.)

Or the bell was not tolling for whom the bell should. (Ed. “toll.”)

Get your yacht-berth free and unlimited “Le Mer” lunches with any purchase over $9.3 million

Foreign millionaires awoke to the horrific realisation that they were no longer, (Ed. i.e. “millionaires”) and found themselves suddenly unqualified to obtain credit for massive overseas purchases until they paid off the outstanding balances on their Visa, American Express and MasterCard cards.

Letters fluttered into their heavily over-mortgaged first homes announcing increases in mortgage-repayment rates and threatening foreclosure – or worse. Although for an out-of-work banker or investment broker it’s hard to think of anything worse except possibly repossession of the $200,000 Bentley in the icy courtyard.

Throughout the Free World no country was spared. Britain, Canada, Russia, Germany, France, Australia, (Ed. That’s enough names of countries. We get it.) the story was the same.

But good old Barbados isn’t called Barbados for nothing.

How did the island nation – without proven exportable natural resources – respond?

Ideal for nature explorations, tourist “Safaris” or just plain beach fun! 13 low-mileage Humvees. Driven by old ladies. Make us an offer.

By savagely dropping prices and offering interest free loans to qualified buyers. By arranging for “Cash Back” payments to be deposited under an assumed name in “the Liechtenstein bank or financial institution of your choice.” By throwing-in free pool maintenance to anyone buying property worth over $4 million by 1 March 2009.

One enterprising car importer even offered his entire stock of barely-driven U.S. Army “Certified as Landmine & IED Safe” Humvees to the lowest bidder.

And as a sign of Barbadian creativity and resourcefulness the owners and operators of the controversial Port St. Charles Marina ran full-page ads in the International Herald Tribune and the United Arab Emirates Gazette giving-away yacht docking rights and free lunches at “Le Mer” to anyone buying a $9.3 million (or over) beachfront apartment.

Will this tactic work? Only time – when it returns to normal – will tell and KoolBarbados will tell you.

And remember, yet again, you saw it here first.

Available for only $4.50 Duty Free at Cave Shepherd, Chefette, KFC,
Jordans Speightstown & Super Centre Sunset Crest with any purchase over $135.
And at all branches of FCIB with any deposit or withdrawal over $450.
(Currently XXL & XXXL only.)

fabulous offers shown above were chosen completely at random. To promote investment in Barbados during these troubled times. There are hundreds more. Please contact your travel agent, property developer and bank (Ed. Especially bank holding your mortgage) to take advantage. But hurry.

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Barbados 2008 Christmas Celebrities Galore by imonz69

You might think so, but Simon Cowell wasn’t the only celebrity here in Barbados last week. And Michel Winner isn’t a celebrity.


Here at KoolBarbados we always face a dilemma around Christmastime.


We know full-well pictures of celebrities cavorting (often topless – see above) on our many beaches attract tourists especially during these hard economic times when it’s minus 10 degrees everywhere else.

So it’s logical we’re bursting to tell the world about all the prominent – and almost – who come here for hard-earned R&R. (Ed. Rest and Relaxation.)


But we respect their privacy knowing they are here with their families and sometimes even loved ones.


So once again as we do each year we proudly present a portfolio of Barbados 2008 Christmas Celebrities without commentary.


If you read the Daily Mail or download movies you know who they are. And we’re so glad they came. Thank you celebrities.


The inevitable question will come, “Are there lookalikes and wanabees among this year’s bumper crop?”

Fair and balanced. And unafraid. We report. You decide.

And remember, yet again, you saw it here first.

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Barbados Activists Want Beach Back by imonz69

We Bajans are slow to protest – especially in public – but when we do raise our voices in unison and have a just cause to support, watch out!

This is the clear message evolving today for the developers, owners, operators and residents of the controversial and highly unpopular Port St. Charles Marina in St. Peter.


For weeks now a Speightstown activist and blogger has been secretly canvassing residents of Checker Hall, Half Moon Fort, Shermans, Maynards, Mile and a Quarter and Six Mens to get them to sign a petition asking the government to force the Port St. Charles Marina owners and operators to fill-in the gaping channel leading from the sea to the marina. (Seen clearly above.)

And restore to its original status Heywoods Beach which was once considered one of Barbados’ finest.

The petition reads as follows:

“We the residents of the above-mentioned locations urgently request that the nasty gash through our beach be filled-in and the beach restored to its original condition. Until the dredgers came to rape our beach, we, from the region north of Port St. Charles, were able to walk the beach from Half Moon Fort to Speightstown and back without hindrance.

“Now we’re forced to walk around the Port St. Charles gated compound on the highway to get to Speightstown. And if we try to walk onto the small slither of beach between the bridge and the channel (also seen clearly above) we are often accosted by uniformed security personnel with fierce dogs. Trying to keep the beach private for PSC residents and visitors.

“This is no idle matter. When Port St. Charles was built we were told it was for the good of the island. Now we know it was only for the good of a few already wealthy investors. Through the building of Port St. Charles all the people of Barbados alive today and those as yet unborn have suffered tremendously.

“Through the loss of an integral part of our natural heritage.


Signatures will be collected until 1 February 2009.

Send an email here to receive more details and indicate clearly if you wish to add your name to the petition.

As the petition’s organisers finalise their plans KoolBarbados will bring them for you.

And remember, once again, you read it here first.

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Simon Cowell “Barbados Facts Libellous” – Gets Apology by imonz69

Late yesterday we at KoolBarbados received our first ever temporary retraining injection. Issued by a sweaty bewigged – even when swimming and ‘wokking-up’ and thereby presumed bald until proven otherwise – British Lord High Justice. Currently on holiday in Barbados.  Demanding apologises and substantial damages for what Simon Cowell claims are erroneous facts contained in an article about the said Simon Cowell in yesterday’s online edition of KoolBarbados.

After exchanging overheated Hotmails and holding lengthy almost-free Skype conversations – and can anyone explain just how they do it. (i.e. almost free) – with a representative from Simon Cowell’s prestigious London law firm of Perry, Perry, Chew & Perry our own crack lawyers have instructed KoolBarbados to unreservedly and unequivocally publish the following corrections without knowing – or caring – if they contain a smidgen of truth:

1. While the owner(s) concede “The Sands” building on Payne’s Bay could be called “grotesque” or worse, it did not cost £35million and does not belong exclusively to Mr. Cowell. It cost only £33.6million and is owned equally by Mr. Cowell, Roman Abramovich, Didier Drogba, Djibril Cissé and the Bernard Madoff Feed the Children Foundation. (Ed. Thought to be Bernard Madoff’s children by Federal agents unraveling the biggest Ponzi swindle in history.)

2. “The Sands” was not named after Tina Sinatra’s first husband, Tommy. Mr. Abramovich chose the name from a list of 10 when told the building would be located on a beach after the indigenous inhabitatants had been forcibly evicted.

3. The potholed stretch of Highway 1 in front of “The Sands” is no more potholed than any other similarly long stretch of Highway 1 and “The Sands potholes” can thereby not be blamed on Mr. Cowell, Roman Abramovich, Didier Drogba, Djibril Cissé and the Bernard Madoff Feed the Children Foundation. Collectively or individually.

4. Mr. Cowell’s nipples are not hairy. He spends a great deal of money on waxes and depilatories to keep them both collectively or individually exposed in the Daily Mail, hair-free and visible. As proof KoolBarbados – although we swore we never again would – reluctantly publishes this picture (as small as physically possible) as proof.

5. Mr. Cowell’s mother agrees she did say, ‘I would still love to see Simon settle down and I believe, one day, he will.” And also, ‘But as for having any children.” But rejects totally saying, ‘I’m not so sure I want any more.’ What she thinks she meant to say was, “I’m not sure I want any more.”

In lieu of a substantial payment of damages to Mr. Cowell, Roman Abramovich, Didier Drogba, Djibril Cissé and the Bernard Madoff Feed the Children Foundation KoolBarbados has obtained their agreement – individually and collectively – to donate the full amount to the “Fill-in the nasty gash (Ed. “channel”)at Port St. Charles preventing Six Mens, Half Moon Fort and Checker Hall residents from walking along the beach to Speightstown as their forefathers and foremothers have done for countless generations.

KoolBarbados thanks Mr. Cowell, Roman Abramovich, Didier Drogba, Djibril Cissé and the Bernard Madoff Feed the Children Foundation unreservedly for this wonderful gesture.

Praying and hoping we won’t have to write about them – and Michael Winner, especially Michael Winner – until next Festivus.

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