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Swine Flu Latest – Barbados Joins Baruba Tourist Kissing Ban by wardenid

Reuters: Bridgetown, Barbados, 10:31am (ET) Monday 27 April, 2009

Taken from today’s Baruba Post Online in its entirety.

Alarmed by wall-to-wall, round-the-clock news reports from North America about the rapid uncontrolled spread of swine flu the titular head of the Baruban Ministry of Health, Beauty & More & More Safer Sex, Dr. Winston J. Scantlebury MD, OBE, PhD, today issued a stern mandate to the people of Baruba in his eagerly-awaited early morning Twitter.

In 140 characters – or less – he said, “Until further notice, Barubans are hereby and henceforth warned not to kiss North American tourists arriving from Canada, Mexico and the USA. More later on my nightly Facebook.”

The Post has learned this drastic measure was prompted by a dire warning from Dr. Richard Besser, acting director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta, Ga.

“This is moving fast and we expect to see more cases. I advise Americans to wash their hands frequently, to cover coughs and sneezes and to stay home if they fall ill. I also urge all citizens to wear masks and not kiss or touch anyone. Especially in densely forested low-lying tropical areas.”

A leading  Baruban Shoreline Executive when asked to comment said this could severely damage his income. I’ll just have to give prolonged body-rubs with more sensitivity than usual. On the husbands too, if they ever get over their initial shyness.”

A Barbados Health Ministry spokesperson said “We’re completely behind Baruba on this one. We’ll be giving more details later on MySpace and YouTube.”

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Swine Flu Symptoms – Test Thyself by wardenid

Wishing to keep Barbados free of the latest panic pandemic from tomorrow – Monday – all passengers traveling to the island will be asked to answer 4 simple questions correctly at their port of embarkation before being allowed on their plane or ship.

1) Do you laugh when late-night comics make jokes about torture?

2) Do you believe the highest-ranking government officials who sanctioned waterboarding should be put on trial and executed if found guilty like we did to the Japanese and Germans and made patriotic movies about them after WWII?

3) Have you used the expression “enhanced interrogation techniques” instead of the word “torture” in the past 14 days?

4) Have you – or any member of your traveling party – been on a farm recently?

More than one “yes” and you’ll have to find yourself another tropical island paradise.

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Vote Now! Barbados’ 5 Worst Firms by imonz69

We all complain about terrible customer service. About blatant profiteering. About unresponsive management. Surly staff. Voice mail. Stupid recorded music when you call. “This call may be monitored for quality purposes.” “Your call is important to us.” “How’s My Driving?”

So let’s get democratic. Let’s hold a vote. Pick your 5 worst Barbados companies. And if enough people vote maybe we can get the dunderheads in the “Top 5” to do something about it.

If you want to vote for more than 5 firms you can. To keep the results representative you can only vote once. And if there’s a company we’ve missed send a comment with the name and we’ll add it immediately.



Rihanna tells Brown “I deserved it” in Baruba. by wardenid

In a world exclusive The Pooffington Heist reports Rihanna is currently in Baruba with still-boyfriend Chris Brown.

Here is the report (edited for a family newspaper) reproduced with permission from the Heist*.

“Rihanna and Chris Brown are back together, The Pooffington Heist has learned exclusively.

According to a spokesperson for Def Doodoo Records, the pair have reunited almost three weeks after Brown, 19, allegedly battered the “Umbrella” singer into unconsciousness, breaking her jaw and causing other facial injuries requiring extensive dental reconstruction and cosmetic plastic surgery on Feb. 8.

diddyvillaDiddy Villa – Baruba, W.I.

“They’re together again. They care for each other,” says the spokesperson who needs to remain anonymous to avoid revealing his name to Las Vegas police seeking witnesses to a recent record-company related drive-by multiple murder.

The Heist tracked-down the on-again couple to one of Sean “Diddy” Combs’s many homes on the tiny tropical island paradise of Baruba.

“While Chris is reflective and saddened about what happened,” said Combs, “he’s willing to forgive the woman he loves and will drop all charges against himself if she publicly blames herself.”

He said Rihanna called Brown on her 21st birthday one week ago.

“He grudgingly wished her happy birthday and when she said she deserved the beating for accusing him of wanting to f**k Alicia Keyes and apologised for having her jaw broken he suggested they get back together for a trial period to write some rap s**t.

“They’ve started the healing process writing s**t for a joint album we’ll be releasing in May, and I like what I’m hearing.”

Dr. Sylvia Chew, Head of the California Institute for Spousal Abuse in Malibu said she doubted reports put out by any record company facing staggering potential losses if Brown goes to jail.

“I’m told one of their new rap songs is ‘I said I loved you even when you f****d-up my face and beat the s**t out of me, but I lied,’ which if true is a cry for help from a little child needing a father and suffering from acute Stockholm Syndrome.”

© The Pooffington Heist 2009 – All reproduction expressly forbidden without adequate protection.

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Barbados Light & Power + Starcom = Stone Age Customer Service by wardenid

Published today, a Caribbean-wide survey commissioned by Microsoft and conducted by the Massachusetts Institute of Technology Digital Statistics Department shows important Barbados companies are still conducting business as if the Internet had never been invented.

Survey leader Allen Rosenshine said he was astonished to see Barbados Light & Power, the island’s only electricity provider, was stillstamp using a form of paper invoice developed during Word War II in Britain to save precious paper. “It’s quite quaint really,” he said, “we haven’t seen bills like this in use for over 20 years. We have some in our archives and we definitely thought they’d been retired worldwide apart from last year in Zimbabwe where they were re-introduced for a short period last year after paper became scarce and inflation reached 26,000 percent. But were stopped soon after when Zimbabwe did actually run out of paper.

“What’s particularly odd is to see an electricity provider ignoring the Internet for customer payments. But I suppose when you’re a monopoly you don’t need to rush things.”

Rosenshine said this was by no means the island’s most egregious non-use of online payment facilities. “A company called Starcom Inc, which apparently represents DirecTV in Barbados is still using a form of payment first spotted shortly after Queen Victoria’s Coronation in 1838. They send a bill by post, the customer pays by check and Starcom issues a detailed hand-written receipt to which is affixed a postage stamp to prove the bill has been paid. I wonder if Rupert Murdoch knows about this?”

Microsoft’s Bill Gates praised the survey for conclusively showing progressive West Indian firms are catching-up with the rest of the Free World by offering electronic billing and payment facilities. “But when companies so directly associated with cutting-edge technology like Barbados Light & Power and DirecTV still use checks and hand-written receipts it makes me optimistic that we still have a long way to go before the market is saturated.

“It also makes me want to go back to Barbados again – I haven’t been there for 10 years – to see how people lived in Victorian times.”

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And remember, you read it here first.

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Who’s Better in Bed? In Black and White by wardenid

A Letter to the Editor

Why can’t we discuss it openly?
Published on: 2/22/09.

IS BARBADOS also a nation of cowards, lovers or waiters where race is concerned?

Barack Obama’s choice for the post of Attorney-General of the United States, whose roots are Bajan, has said that the United States is a nation of cowards because White men just won’t accept that Black men are better lovers and last longer too.

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So what about Barbados – a nation where more that 90 per cent of the population is Black? I’m over it now but I too foolishly once believed that Whites are just as good lovers as Blacks if not more so.

When I was married to Joan, we consciously held private parties only for Whites. It’s just the way things were back then. The appearance of a single Black not serving drinks or canapes was rare. After firing a rum or five the conversation always revolved around the question “Are Whites really not as good in bed as Blacks?” I often wondered why some guests acted sheepishly. Were the men embarrassed and the women eager to keep their innermost desires secret?

On weekends we would go boating with all Whites and mainly discuss if Whites were better in bed than Blacks. We’d pass private boats on the coast carrying only Blacks who were laughing more than us and we wondered if they were discussing the same thing.

When I was married to Sylvia we held parties after race meetings at Bushy Park. Once some Blacks lost their way home in the dark  and showed up uninvited but we grudgingly let them in and it was there that I discovered Black men also pee standing up. That was quite a shock I can tell you. But I asked the man who, incidentally stood much further back than me from the urinal, frankly if it’s possible that Whites could be as good as Blacks in bed and could he show me how.

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When I was married to Margaret we’d discuss openly who was better in bed. We’d do research watching blue movies and sadly, shortly after we watched something called “Pimp Daddy Develpment” that aroused even me she left me without so much as a note and went to live with a well known Jamaican Test cricketer in Baruba.

Sadly, this is when I came to accept much of what is said about Black men is true. But I’m over it.

Now, married to Shamika, we’re invited to fully integrated private parties where we Whites discuss openly with Blacks if it’s true what they say about Black men. I consider this to be great progress. For me personally and Barbados in general.

Now when we go boating, Whites and Blacks drinking happily together we pass private boats on the coast carrying only sad faced Whites or laughing Blacks. I tell Shamika, “I bet they’re discussing who’s better in bed like I used to.”

I have written this letter because I believe we in Barbados could be a much stronger nation in every way if we would stop pussyfooting around the “Who’s better in bed” issue.

Be more open and honest with each other and mix more sexually.

I can tell you White folks out there who are reading this that Black folks have one hell of a sense of humour and they can be really fun to go to bed with (except my wife if I have a few too many rum and cokes and she starts talking about my past sexual inadequacies).

And a word to Black folks. Whites, with some exceptions (my brother Sir Chucky and the McConnachie clan for example), tend to be a bit intimidated talking about “the distance standing away from the urinal” because they are more conservative and the reluctance to spend money is ingrained from birth; so don’t hold it against them.

Embrace them, f*!k them and help them to lighten up.

Happy mixing! – FUZZY WILLIAMSON

(Ed. This letter arrived before we saw a very similar letter in today’s Sunday Nation.)

And remember you saw it here first.

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Rihanna victim of global meltdown? by imonz69

By now everyone on the planet knows a millionaire Grammy-no-show teenage entertainer – thought to be Rihanna – was savagely beaten and bitten on Sunday by her millionaire Grammy-no-show teenage entertainer boyfriend – known to be Wrigley Doublemint spokesman Chris Brown.

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In keeping with well-established LAPD rules covering lover’s tiffs that turn violent and sometimes result in death by stabbing followed by interminable trials that end in “Not Guilty” verdicts, no details of the altercation have been made public.

Although it is widely rumoured 19-year-old Rihanna’s face was badly disfigured. And because her arms and shoulders bear what can only be described as human teeth marks police pathologists are distributing photographs to dentists throughout Beverly Hills asking if “the bite” corresponds to that of any of their patients.

Wild speculation rages about the cause of the bust-up. Most eye-witnesses trying to get invited on Larry King Live say the root cause was jealousy but it’s not clear who was jealous of whom? Did Rihanna dance with too many men at a pre-Grammy party. Or did Mr. ex-Doublemint chat-up too many “ho’s and beatches?”

According to a spokesperson in Mark Garagos’s* law firm who is not allowed to divulge any information of any kind, Mark Garagos is handling the male assailant’s case.

At the risk of disbarring – and possibly dismembering – himself for life the spokesperson also said friction between the kiddie millionaires started weeks ago when both Rihanna and ex-Wrigley guy saw their hard earned dollars before the age of 18 evaporating in the current worldwide economic meltdown. By some accounts Rihanna is now only worth $3.8 million and her brutal consort less than $2.3 million.

A Hollywood “Therapist to the Stars” told KoolBarbados when entertainers lose so much money at such an early age it can have devastating results. “Normal adults row about whether to buy a new Chevvy or go on vacation to Mexico,” she said. “Teenage warblers can’t handle the pressure. Imagine if you wanted to arrive at the Grammys in a 2010 $250,000 Lamborghini and the only way to get one was to rent it for the evening?”

A spokesperson for the Whitney Houston Spousal Abuse Rehabilitation Institute in Malibu said, “If this proves to be true the cowardly martial-arts-trained thug who attacked Rihanna with fists and teeth should get at least ten years. And isn’t it odd that his surname is also Brown?”

*Mark Garagos is the Hollywood “Defence Lawyer to the Stars” who loses more high profile cases than he wins (i.e. Winona Ryder, Scott Peterson,) and who’ll ever forget why Michael Jackson fired him in the middle of his child-molestation case?

And remember, you read it here first.

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