Say Hello to Kool Barbados


Baruba Post Online Censored by Barbados “blogger” by wardenid

Today’s Baruba Post Editorial: (Published in its entirety.)

As a newspaper with the proud tradition and heritage of serving Barubans faithfully for almost 88 years The Post recognises the Internet has caused the news playing-field to tilt dramatically as so-called “bloggers” swamp our browsers with information largely gleaned initially from respectable print organs like ourselves.

Do we fear “bloggers?” Do we think they’ll force us print vehicles out of business? Will advertisers spend all their money with Google?

The Post’s answer to all three is a resounding “NO.”

Why? Because if they live long enough and get sufficient “hits” blogs – and the “bloggers” behind them – start to think what they publish is of any significance. You can easily spot when this happens. When the “blogger” starts to take herself – or himself – seriously.

Case in point: A Barbados “blogger” who seems most interested in the number of hits he – or she – generates on Google.

And who writes about every topic with screaming headlines as if he/she is our only source of news..

Cases in point:

Pakistan On Verge Of Collapse – Taliban Heading For Islamabad and Nuclear Weapons

Or

Swine Flu Scare Decimates International Travel – Barbados Suffers With Other Prime Destinations

And censored a trivial “comment” by a junior Post employee making fun of “Swine Flu” and “enhanced interrogation techniques.”

How do you know when your “blogger” has lost it?

When he/she becomes as irrelevant, as nutty – and irritatingly self-important – to you as the call-in radio hosts.

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Swine Flu Latest – Barbados Joins Baruba Tourist Kissing Ban by wardenid

Reuters: Bridgetown, Barbados, 10:31am (ET) Monday 27 April, 2009

Taken from today’s Baruba Post Online in its entirety.

Alarmed by wall-to-wall, round-the-clock news reports from North America about the rapid uncontrolled spread of swine flu the titular head of the Baruban Ministry of Health, Beauty & More & More Safer Sex, Dr. Winston J. Scantlebury MD, OBE, PhD, today issued a stern mandate to the people of Baruba in his eagerly-awaited early morning Twitter.

In 140 characters – or less – he said, “Until further notice, Barubans are hereby and henceforth warned not to kiss North American tourists arriving from Canada, Mexico and the USA. More later on my nightly Facebook.”

The Post has learned this drastic measure was prompted by a dire warning from Dr. Richard Besser, acting director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta, Ga.

“This is moving fast and we expect to see more cases. I advise Americans to wash their hands frequently, to cover coughs and sneezes and to stay home if they fall ill. I also urge all citizens to wear masks and not kiss or touch anyone. Especially in densely forested low-lying tropical areas.”

A leading  Baruban Shoreline Executive when asked to comment said this could severely damage his income. I’ll just have to give prolonged body-rubs with more sensitivity than usual. On the husbands too, if they ever get over their initial shyness.”

A Barbados Health Ministry spokesperson said “We’re completely behind Baruba on this one. We’ll be giving more details later on MySpace and YouTube.”

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Swine Flu Symptoms – Test Thyself by wardenid

Wishing to keep Barbados free of the latest panic pandemic from tomorrow – Monday – all passengers traveling to the island will be asked to answer 4 simple questions correctly at their port of embarkation before being allowed on their plane or ship.

1) Do you laugh when late-night comics make jokes about torture?

2) Do you believe the highest-ranking government officials who sanctioned waterboarding should be put on trial and executed if found guilty like we did to the Japanese and Germans and made patriotic movies about them after WWII?

3) Have you used the expression “enhanced interrogation techniques” instead of the word “torture” in the past 14 days?

4) Have you – or any member of your traveling party – been on a farm recently?

More than one “yes” and you’ll have to find yourself another tropical island paradise.

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Vote Now! Barbados’ 5 Worst Firms by imonz69

We all complain about terrible customer service. About blatant profiteering. About unresponsive management. Surly staff. Voice mail. Stupid recorded music when you call. “This call may be monitored for quality purposes.” “Your call is important to us.” “How’s My Driving?”

So let’s get democratic. Let’s hold a vote. Pick your 5 worst Barbados companies. And if enough people vote maybe we can get the dunderheads in the “Top 5” to do something about it.

If you want to vote for more than 5 firms you can. To keep the results representative you can only vote once. And if there’s a company we’ve missed send a comment with the name and we’ll add it immediately.



Rihanna victim of global meltdown? by imonz69

By now everyone on the planet knows a millionaire Grammy-no-show teenage entertainer – thought to be Rihanna – was savagely beaten and bitten on Sunday by her millionaire Grammy-no-show teenage entertainer boyfriend – known to be Wrigley Doublemint spokesman Chris Brown.

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In keeping with well-established LAPD rules covering lover’s tiffs that turn violent and sometimes result in death by stabbing followed by interminable trials that end in “Not Guilty” verdicts, no details of the altercation have been made public.

Although it is widely rumoured 19-year-old Rihanna’s face was badly disfigured. And because her arms and shoulders bear what can only be described as human teeth marks police pathologists are distributing photographs to dentists throughout Beverly Hills asking if “the bite” corresponds to that of any of their patients.

Wild speculation rages about the cause of the bust-up. Most eye-witnesses trying to get invited on Larry King Live say the root cause was jealousy but it’s not clear who was jealous of whom? Did Rihanna dance with too many men at a pre-Grammy party. Or did Mr. ex-Doublemint chat-up too many “ho’s and beatches?”

According to a spokesperson in Mark Garagos’s* law firm who is not allowed to divulge any information of any kind, Mark Garagos is handling the male assailant’s case.

At the risk of disbarring – and possibly dismembering – himself for life the spokesperson also said friction between the kiddie millionaires started weeks ago when both Rihanna and ex-Wrigley guy saw their hard earned dollars before the age of 18 evaporating in the current worldwide economic meltdown. By some accounts Rihanna is now only worth $3.8 million and her brutal consort less than $2.3 million.

A Hollywood “Therapist to the Stars” told KoolBarbados when entertainers lose so much money at such an early age it can have devastating results. “Normal adults row about whether to buy a new Chevvy or go on vacation to Mexico,” she said. “Teenage warblers can’t handle the pressure. Imagine if you wanted to arrive at the Grammys in a 2010 $250,000 Lamborghini and the only way to get one was to rent it for the evening?”

A spokesperson for the Whitney Houston Spousal Abuse Rehabilitation Institute in Malibu said, “If this proves to be true the cowardly martial-arts-trained thug who attacked Rihanna with fists and teeth should get at least ten years. And isn’t it odd that his surname is also Brown?”

*Mark Garagos is the Hollywood “Defence Lawyer to the Stars” who loses more high profile cases than he wins (i.e. Winona Ryder, Scott Peterson,) and who’ll ever forget why Michael Jackson fired him in the middle of his child-molestation case?

And remember, you read it here first.

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Obama Predicts Barbados, Trinidad & Baruba Bank Failures by imonz69

US President Barack Obama today warned that some pretty large Caribbean banks are likely to fail within the next few days, as the full extent of their involvement in financing speculative luxury beachfront condos becomes clear.

Speaking exclusively to The Baruba Post, Mr Obama said “some banks just won’t make it” but hoped that middle- and working-class obamapeople’s deposits would be safe. “If a bank or a financial institution is – or was – dumb enough to finance construction of condos selling for millions of dollars and especially since the sub-prime scam broke over a year ago they’re going to face tough decisions,” he said.

The president was particularly critical of those banks giving crack executives obscene bonuses for throwing cheap money at building developers who deliberately misled potential buyers by claiming their properties would be in protected, gated communities with access to private beaches.

“They don’t know about Trinidad and/or Tobago but my CIA contacts assure me all beaches in Barbados and Baruba are completely public. And it’s up to the banks when lending money to make sure their clients act properly and in the best interest of customers by sticking to the bare truth in their ads and brochures. Although in these difficult times it’s not unusual for people bogged down in the surreal estate swamp to exaggerate a tad.”

Mr Obama said he was confident his stimulation package would gain Senate approval within days and plans to make a primetime TV appearance telling the “American People” to “Stimulate Your Package” to cheer them up before dozens more banks collapse and thousands lose their, jobs, homes and SUV’s by the hour.

And remember you read it here first.

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St. Peter’s Bay Barbados – What “Private Beachfront?” by imonz69

stpetersbay

With the UK now officially in recession, with the economy shrinking at its fastest rate for nearly 30 years we’re sorry to hear you’ve lost most of your fortune. Through no fault of your own. Well, perhaps through some fault of your own. Like profligate spending instead of saving for a sunny day in Barbados. But no use crying over spilt…etc.

Gone are the university fees, the 2010 BMW, the promise from your bank manager – who no longer works there – to finance a luxury apartment on a tropical private beach (see above) and if that wasn’t bad enough you don’t know if, and when, you’ll be able to retire before 68 with enough funds to live off even by scraping through on sardines and the other bare necessities.

Well, we can’t help you. Sorry about that.

But this might cheer you up.

It’s common practice in advertisements for luxury gated beachfront property in Barbados to make potential buyers think they are getting a private beach. It’s never actually spelled-out. Fudge words are used to make you think the beach is private.

Here’s a classic example from St. Peter’s Bay which in their own words…

“…is a new private beachfront community on the exclusive West Coast of Barbados developed by an experienced team with a proven track record in successful real estate development. The design offers expansive ocean views, privacy, spacious floor plans, high quality finishes, and numerous amenities. This project promises to be one of the island’s premier beachfront developments.”

Reading that you’d expect a “private beachfront” – whatever that means. We’d bet whoever coined it wanted you to think “private beach.” And looking here you’d also think, “Wow that’s some kind of private beach!”

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Well the only “private beachfront” at this development is the “private beach front of the property.” i.e. The front wall of the property facing the beach.

Because THERE ARE NO PRIVATE BEACHES IN BARBADOS. We’ll repeat that. THERE ARE NO PRIVATE BEACHES IN BARBADOS.

Yes, the very few, mainly Russians, left with enough money to buy outright or get financing on their St. Peter’s Bay private beachfront pad will look down from their $5.8 million investment to see and hear happy screaming kids playing football, lovers necking in that still and always azure-blue sea, nighttime bonfires with breadfruits roasting, loud soca and reggae music – incidentally, things locals have been doing on their precious Barbados beaches for generations – and no elite squad of armed & uniformed security guards with ferocious pit bulls can keep them away.

And to the vast silent and humbled majority out there unable to sleep at nights and panicking over the retirement question, come on be honest, aren’t you glad you lost all your money before signing a contract to buy so you don’t have the added burden of staggering lawyers fees to release you from the deal by suing the developers, claiming false advertising promised you a private beach?

Altogether now, say “Thank you, KoolBarbados.”

And remember you read it here first.

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