Say Hello to Kool Barbados


Rihanna tells Brown “I deserved it” in Baruba. by wardenid

In a world exclusive The Pooffington Heist reports Rihanna is currently in Baruba with still-boyfriend Chris Brown.

Here is the report (edited for a family newspaper) reproduced with permission from the Heist*.

“Rihanna and Chris Brown are back together, The Pooffington Heist has learned exclusively.

According to a spokesperson for Def Doodoo Records, the pair have reunited almost three weeks after Brown, 19, allegedly battered the “Umbrella” singer into unconsciousness, breaking her jaw and causing other facial injuries requiring extensive dental reconstruction and cosmetic plastic surgery on Feb. 8.

diddyvillaDiddy Villa – Baruba, W.I.

“They’re together again. They care for each other,” says the spokesperson who needs to remain anonymous to avoid revealing his name to Las Vegas police seeking witnesses to a recent record-company related drive-by multiple murder.

The Heist tracked-down the on-again couple to one of Sean “Diddy” Combs’s many homes on the tiny tropical island paradise of Baruba.

“While Chris is reflective and saddened about what happened,” said Combs, “he’s willing to forgive the woman he loves and will drop all charges against himself if she publicly blames herself.”

He said Rihanna called Brown on her 21st birthday one week ago.

“He grudgingly wished her happy birthday and when she said she deserved the beating for accusing him of wanting to f**k Alicia Keyes and apologised for having her jaw broken he suggested they get back together for a trial period to write some rap s**t.

“They’ve started the healing process writing s**t for a joint album we’ll be releasing in May, and I like what I’m hearing.”

Dr. Sylvia Chew, Head of the California Institute for Spousal Abuse in Malibu said she doubted reports put out by any record company facing staggering potential losses if Brown goes to jail.

“I’m told one of their new rap songs is ‘I said I loved you even when you f****d-up my face and beat the s**t out of me, but I lied,’ which if true is a cry for help from a little child needing a father and suffering from acute Stockholm Syndrome.”

© The Pooffington Heist 2009 – All reproduction expressly forbidden without adequate protection.

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Barbados Light & Power + Starcom = Stone Age Customer Service by wardenid

Published today, a Caribbean-wide survey commissioned by Microsoft and conducted by the Massachusetts Institute of Technology Digital Statistics Department shows important Barbados companies are still conducting business as if the Internet had never been invented.

Survey leader Allen Rosenshine said he was astonished to see Barbados Light & Power, the island’s only electricity provider, was stillstamp using a form of paper invoice developed during Word War II in Britain to save precious paper. “It’s quite quaint really,” he said, “we haven’t seen bills like this in use for over 20 years. We have some in our archives and we definitely thought they’d been retired worldwide apart from last year in Zimbabwe where they were re-introduced for a short period last year after paper became scarce and inflation reached 26,000 percent. But were stopped soon after when Zimbabwe did actually run out of paper.

“What’s particularly odd is to see an electricity provider ignoring the Internet for customer payments. But I suppose when you’re a monopoly you don’t need to rush things.”

Rosenshine said this was by no means the island’s most egregious non-use of online payment facilities. “A company called Starcom Inc, which apparently represents DirecTV in Barbados is still using a form of payment first spotted shortly after Queen Victoria’s Coronation in 1838. They send a bill by post, the customer pays by check and Starcom issues a detailed hand-written receipt to which is affixed a postage stamp to prove the bill has been paid. I wonder if Rupert Murdoch knows about this?”

Microsoft’s Bill Gates praised the survey for conclusively showing progressive West Indian firms are catching-up with the rest of the Free World by offering electronic billing and payment facilities. “But when companies so directly associated with cutting-edge technology like Barbados Light & Power and DirecTV still use checks and hand-written receipts it makes me optimistic that we still have a long way to go before the market is saturated.

“It also makes me want to go back to Barbados again – I haven’t been there for 10 years – to see how people lived in Victorian times.”

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And remember, you read it here first.

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Who’s Better in Bed? In Black and White by wardenid

A Letter to the Editor

Why can’t we discuss it openly?
Published on: 2/22/09.

IS BARBADOS also a nation of cowards, lovers or waiters where race is concerned?

Barack Obama’s choice for the post of Attorney-General of the United States, whose roots are Bajan, has said that the United States is a nation of cowards because White men just won’t accept that Black men are better lovers and last longer too.

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So what about Barbados – a nation where more that 90 per cent of the population is Black? I’m over it now but I too foolishly once believed that Whites are just as good lovers as Blacks if not more so.

When I was married to Joan, we consciously held private parties only for Whites. It’s just the way things were back then. The appearance of a single Black not serving drinks or canapes was rare. After firing a rum or five the conversation always revolved around the question “Are Whites really not as good in bed as Blacks?” I often wondered why some guests acted sheepishly. Were the men embarrassed and the women eager to keep their innermost desires secret?

On weekends we would go boating with all Whites and mainly discuss if Whites were better in bed than Blacks. We’d pass private boats on the coast carrying only Blacks who were laughing more than us and we wondered if they were discussing the same thing.

When I was married to Sylvia we held parties after race meetings at Bushy Park. Once some Blacks lost their way home in the dark  and showed up uninvited but we grudgingly let them in and it was there that I discovered Black men also pee standing up. That was quite a shock I can tell you. But I asked the man who, incidentally stood much further back than me from the urinal, frankly if it’s possible that Whites could be as good as Blacks in bed and could he show me how.

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When I was married to Margaret we’d discuss openly who was better in bed. We’d do research watching blue movies and sadly, shortly after we watched something called “Pimp Daddy Develpment” that aroused even me she left me without so much as a note and went to live with a well known Jamaican Test cricketer in Baruba.

Sadly, this is when I came to accept much of what is said about Black men is true. But I’m over it.

Now, married to Shamika, we’re invited to fully integrated private parties where we Whites discuss openly with Blacks if it’s true what they say about Black men. I consider this to be great progress. For me personally and Barbados in general.

Now when we go boating, Whites and Blacks drinking happily together we pass private boats on the coast carrying only sad faced Whites or laughing Blacks. I tell Shamika, “I bet they’re discussing who’s better in bed like I used to.”

I have written this letter because I believe we in Barbados could be a much stronger nation in every way if we would stop pussyfooting around the “Who’s better in bed” issue.

Be more open and honest with each other and mix more sexually.

I can tell you White folks out there who are reading this that Black folks have one hell of a sense of humour and they can be really fun to go to bed with (except my wife if I have a few too many rum and cokes and she starts talking about my past sexual inadequacies).

And a word to Black folks. Whites, with some exceptions (my brother Sir Chucky and the McConnachie clan for example), tend to be a bit intimidated talking about “the distance standing away from the urinal” because they are more conservative and the reluctance to spend money is ingrained from birth; so don’t hold it against them.

Embrace them, f*!k them and help them to lighten up.

Happy mixing! – FUZZY WILLIAMSON

(Ed. This letter arrived before we saw a very similar letter in today’s Sunday Nation.)

And remember you saw it here first.

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Rihanna victim of global meltdown? by imonz69

By now everyone on the planet knows a millionaire Grammy-no-show teenage entertainer – thought to be Rihanna – was savagely beaten and bitten on Sunday by her millionaire Grammy-no-show teenage entertainer boyfriend – known to be Wrigley Doublemint spokesman Chris Brown.

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In keeping with well-established LAPD rules covering lover’s tiffs that turn violent and sometimes result in death by stabbing followed by interminable trials that end in “Not Guilty” verdicts, no details of the altercation have been made public.

Although it is widely rumoured 19-year-old Rihanna’s face was badly disfigured. And because her arms and shoulders bear what can only be described as human teeth marks police pathologists are distributing photographs to dentists throughout Beverly Hills asking if “the bite” corresponds to that of any of their patients.

Wild speculation rages about the cause of the bust-up. Most eye-witnesses trying to get invited on Larry King Live say the root cause was jealousy but it’s not clear who was jealous of whom? Did Rihanna dance with too many men at a pre-Grammy party. Or did Mr. ex-Doublemint chat-up too many “ho’s and beatches?”

According to a spokesperson in Mark Garagos’s* law firm who is not allowed to divulge any information of any kind, Mark Garagos is handling the male assailant’s case.

At the risk of disbarring – and possibly dismembering – himself for life the spokesperson also said friction between the kiddie millionaires started weeks ago when both Rihanna and ex-Wrigley guy saw their hard earned dollars before the age of 18 evaporating in the current worldwide economic meltdown. By some accounts Rihanna is now only worth $3.8 million and her brutal consort less than $2.3 million.

A Hollywood “Therapist to the Stars” told KoolBarbados when entertainers lose so much money at such an early age it can have devastating results. “Normal adults row about whether to buy a new Chevvy or go on vacation to Mexico,” she said. “Teenage warblers can’t handle the pressure. Imagine if you wanted to arrive at the Grammys in a 2010 $250,000 Lamborghini and the only way to get one was to rent it for the evening?”

A spokesperson for the Whitney Houston Spousal Abuse Rehabilitation Institute in Malibu said, “If this proves to be true the cowardly martial-arts-trained thug who attacked Rihanna with fists and teeth should get at least ten years. And isn’t it odd that his surname is also Brown?”

*Mark Garagos is the Hollywood “Defence Lawyer to the Stars” who loses more high profile cases than he wins (i.e. Winona Ryder, Scott Peterson,) and who’ll ever forget why Michael Jackson fired him in the middle of his child-molestation case?

And remember, you read it here first.

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Obama Predicts Barbados, Trinidad & Baruba Bank Failures by imonz69

US President Barack Obama today warned that some pretty large Caribbean banks are likely to fail within the next few days, as the full extent of their involvement in financing speculative luxury beachfront condos becomes clear.

Speaking exclusively to The Baruba Post, Mr Obama said “some banks just won’t make it” but hoped that middle- and working-class obamapeople’s deposits would be safe. “If a bank or a financial institution is – or was – dumb enough to finance construction of condos selling for millions of dollars and especially since the sub-prime scam broke over a year ago they’re going to face tough decisions,” he said.

The president was particularly critical of those banks giving crack executives obscene bonuses for throwing cheap money at building developers who deliberately misled potential buyers by claiming their properties would be in protected, gated communities with access to private beaches.

“They don’t know about Trinidad and/or Tobago but my CIA contacts assure me all beaches in Barbados and Baruba are completely public. And it’s up to the banks when lending money to make sure their clients act properly and in the best interest of customers by sticking to the bare truth in their ads and brochures. Although in these difficult times it’s not unusual for people bogged down in the surreal estate swamp to exaggerate a tad.”

Mr Obama said he was confident his stimulation package would gain Senate approval within days and plans to make a primetime TV appearance telling the “American People” to “Stimulate Your Package” to cheer them up before dozens more banks collapse and thousands lose their, jobs, homes and SUV’s by the hour.

And remember you read it here first.

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