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Vote in 1st Barbados Parish Pothole Poll by imonz69

The 1st official accurate Barbados island-wide pothole map we published on 20 December left many readers feeling more frustrated and less horny than they were before we published it. And we don’t want that do we?

They say there are so many potholes shown on the map it’s difficult to see the map. Especially when driving without lights at night in narrow St. Andrew lanes.

See for yourself.

potholes-web

CLICK TO ENLARGE

We can’t help you see better at night – no-one can – but this could help you vent your frustration. You can now vote for the parish with the most potholes.

We’re also looking for the worst pothole anywhere on the island.

Our candidate is slightly north of Groot’s restaurant level with Coral Reef Hotel on Highway 1 above Holetown. Actually there are two ginormous holes less than a car’s width apart. So you can’t avoid either.  “Bastard People!!”

You can now submit your own favourite pothole in a new feature on koolbarbados.com. On the left under BLOGROLL you’ll see “ALL COMMENTS WELCOME.” Unlike much stuff you see on the web, this means exactly what it says.

CAUTION. Voting for your favourite parish pothole won’t improve your driving either – especially if you’re one of those right-lane hoggers on our new superhighway allowing no-one else to pass. Or switching from lane to lane at high speed.

But we’ve made you think about it.

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Bajans Boycott Bank Spewing Yankee Propaganda by imonz69

Speightstown’s traffic came to a complete standstill this morning as an angry crowd demonstrated outside the First Caribbean International Bank branch there.

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Chanting anti-American slogans and carrying hastily-written signs proclaiming, “Down with Yankee Imperialism,” and “Fix Your Own Mess First” the mob estimated to be in the hundreds was protesting the bank’s continued insistence on carrying CNN and FOX News TV broadcasts at earsplitting levels while customers wait motionless like sheep in the sheep pens designed specifically to intimidate, subdue, punish, emasculate and finally castrate sheep.

A young man who declined to give his name – but claiming to be the leader – said the protest started spontaneously after he told bank staff he was “personally offended as a Bajan living in Barbados to be bombarded with foreign misinformation in banks at Guantanamo Bay volume levels.

“Like just now for the last hour unable to avoid multiple screeching White House spokespersons openly blaming Hamas for Israel bombing and strafing Gaza and killing hundreds of innocent Palestinian men, women and children. With high-tech weapons built and paid for by Yankee money to keep the Jewish lobby happy and not paid for by Israel also to keep the Jewish lobby happy.”

Adding, “In circles where waterboarding is condoned this is jokingly called ‘shooting fish in a barrel.'”

He said he was also “outraged being forced to listen to a CNN interview with a supercilious condescending Obama spokesperson who thinks that everything Obama says is gospel who said ‘Israel had every right to respond vigorously to rockets raining down on sleeping innocent Israel children.’ Conveniently forgetting the children were sleeping on land stolen from the Palestinians and omitting to say since the latest atrocity started 1 Israeli has died compared to over 375 Palestinians killed and over 1650 injured, many critically.

“I’m sick of all this incessant Yankee bullshit propaganda polluting our minds.

“If the ‘American People’ are too dumb to see they’re heading for the complete collapse of their system so be it. But spare the rest of the world.

“And you know what, I can’t wait for the Chinese and Indians to have a go at world domination. They can’t do any worse than the current lot.”

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Barbados Police Photo Ban Spreads by imonz69

From all corners of the island reports are flooding-in to KoolBarbados of unprecedented acts of bravery and kindness by members of the Royal Barbados Police Force.

But for reasons unknown the uniformed Good Samaritans apparently all refuse to have their pictures taken and in a couple of instances have confiscated digital cameras and video recording devices.

An elderly woman in St. Thomas told this reporter she was unable to walk across – never mind around – the roundabout at Warrens Motors due to clogged traffic in all directions on Christmas Eve and despairing, asked a young police constable for help.

The lady said the kind young man radioed for assistance and in no time at all a familiar yellow and white SUV arrived to take her with siren wailing and blue light flashingobama around the roundabout and on to PriceSmart where she bought perilously late gifts for her grandchildren.

Passers-by who witnessed this magnanimous gesture tried to get a group picture of the lawmen with the delighted octagenarian. But to no avail. The police turned their backs to the camera and drove off at speed.

The story repeated itself after a young family from Manchester, England here for the Christmas holidays called the police in a state of panic. Shelby, their 2-year-old-toddler had toddled-off somewhere along Brighton Beach and fearing the worst they were mightily relieved to see a 50-men and women RBPF task force arrive in 2 busses and start an immediate beachcomb. Adding to their hopes that Shelby would be found safe and sound a Bajan Helicopter helicopter made low sweeps along the beach and in short shrift she was spotted under a tree asleep. The Manchester father had videoed much of the activity but as the force prepared to leave he was ordered to hand over the memory card and told he could collect it – wiped clean – on Boxing Day at police HQ.

This police shunning-publicity syndrome was nowhere more obvious than early on Christmas Morning when two teenage girls from Detroit were apparently strolling on the East Coast beach north of Bathsheba when a handsome young and muscular man wearing only shorts jogged towards them. Impressed, aroused and desperate to make contact one feigned being in difficulty in the rolling surf while the other awkwardly blocked his way and tried to engage him in conversation. After dragging the one girl over the sand to safety the young chap was polite and friendly but became agitated when the other took out her Canon CT20. “I may have saved her but I may have to arrest you because I’m a cop,” he said. “Oh yeah! Show me some identification,” said the younger of the girls, giggling. And was still looking at him longingly as he sped off at high-speed, zig-zagging to remain out of focus.

Only after she called KoolBarbados to report this bizarre incident and was told of similar stories did she concede he may have been a genuine policeman.

Why this reluctance to be photographed? Is it the age-old fear of a shiny metal box stealing the victim’s soul? Or perhaps more likely a clever RBPF public relations stunt to shroud the force in impenetrable mystery and thereby promote recruitment?

All attempts to reach senior officers for edification proved fruitless but an 18-year-old police cadet currently on probation, in training and not at all sure he really wants to be a policeman did ask if we could put him in touch with the two Americans. “Tell ’em I look much better than old man Obama and I don’t mind being dragged along beaches or wherever and being photographed or videoed while doing it.”

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Simon Cowell Knocked-Senseless by Barbados Beauty by imonz69

Of such stories are Hollywood legends created.

Immensely successful TV show host, media entrepreneur and music business mogul Simon Cowell is currently taking a well-deserved break in Barbados.

After remaining incognito for a couple of days during unseasonably inclement weather he was seen yesterday off the West Coast close to his rented luxury villa in The Garden, St, James, in trendy shades and open-to-the-waist life-jacket zooming above the light swell on a gaudy blue wave-runner.

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Later he was seen dining with friends at the Fish Pot – Barbados’ currently “in” restaurant.

Normally a man of carefully-created mystery who shuns impromptu interviews with journalists he uncharacteristically opened up his soul to a Hollywood “Hollywood Reporter” reporter who’d wheedled a suite in the Little Good Harbour Hotel to get a guaranteed table in the restaurant hoping to have a Cowell (or other prominent) “spotting.”

For obvious reasons the HR reporter refused to give specific details of their conversation until his own organ spills the beans. But he did say to Barbados press representatives when questioned later, “Mr. Cowell told me he’s “thunderballed” (Ed. He probably said or meant “thunderstruck.”) by finding an 18-year-old sweet Barbados “honey” – his words – more gorgeous than Halle Berry, a body beyond Beyonce and with a wider vocal range than Leona Lewis. He also admitted he felt quite faint when he first saw her. And that’s all I’m prepared to say at the moment.”

The local scribes pressed for more details but the HR man remained mum. Even when a Nation cub reporter asked “just tell us where Cowell found the body? I’ve been scouring Barbados for one like that for years.”

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Barbados Gets 1st Official Accurate Pothole Map by imonz69

Just in time for the busy tourist season and as an aid to drivers both familiar and unfamiliar with the island’s roads the St. Lucy Institute for Incredibly Accurate Pothole Mapping in Checker Hall has released the first accurate map* of current potholes both large and small to be avoided on our streets and highways.

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CLICK TO ENLARGE

After months of unsatisfactory trials as one wheeled vehicle after another suffered shattered shock absorbers and punctured tyres the institute resolved the problem by using ultra-high-speed digital cameras suspended on Mitsubishi Heavy Industry’s titanium compressed-nitrogen-cushioned buffers fitted on a miniature US Defense Department combat hovercraft to eliminate the slightest vibration.

Staff at the institute criss-crossed the island last week laying highly-accurate pothole positions over a giant-sized Google/GPS-enhanced map.

hovercraftAt a celebratory dinner at Braddy’s in Six Mens on Thursday evening 32-year-old Anthony Cumberbatch, head of the institute’s Pothole Research Department complimented his crack team by saying this map will make a major contribution to road safety by reducing shock absorber damage, punctured tyres and by preventing people running into trees and bus stops to avoid potholes.

As a generous public service the Nation Publishing House is currently installing at great expense the very first such press exported from China to enable them to make a laminated fold-out version available. When ready, sometime in late January 2009, the printed version will be available FREE at all fine hotels, supermarkets, gas stations, travel agents, rim repairers, automotive product stores, tyre repairers, police stations, car rental firms, mini-golf courses, dive shops, roadside coconut vendors and better rum shops everywhere.

Bookmark this page for further developments.

(Map © 2009 – Google & The St. Lucy Institute for Incredibly Accurate Pothole Mapping in Checker Hall. *Each dot denotes a pothole.)

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Barbados Sues Amazon – Hundreds of Children Without Presents by imonz69

With hundreds of Barbados children unlikely to receive their presents by Christmas Day the Barbados government today instructed crack lawyers in Canada, Britain and the USA to ask for temporary injections to prevent Amazon.com and Amazon.co.uk from accepting all new orders until their annual staggering year-end backlog is cleared.

amazon-webAccording to a spokesperson in the Consumer Protection Ministry Barbadians of all ages have been calling-in to report gifts ordered weeks ago are still not dispatched 5 days before Christmas Day and say there is no indication Amazon will release them before the end of the year.

One not atypical family in Foul Bay, St. Philip claimed 8 gifts ordered from Amazon.co.uk 6 weeks ago are still unaccounted for and the Amazon website shows no information about dispatch or delivery dates.

A family member – who insisted on remaining anonymous since he’s in delicate discussions with Cable & Wireless about his recent redundancy after 15 years of loyal service – said when they called Amazon’s UK help number on Skype a non-English speaking female sounding like Stephen Hawkin’s computer-activated voice was unable to give any constructive suggestions apart from recommending the caller to cancel all orders and try again much sooner in 2009.

When contacted a constitutional lawyer in Washington DC specialising in “late and/or undelivered” gifts said he doubted any temporary injection – even if granted – would have any effect in 2008.

But said Barbados might try its luck again after Barack Obama’s inauguration on 20 January next since he – the constitutional lawyer – has been approached to head the “Gifts Undelivered on Date Promised” Department and has president-elect Obama’s word it will be one of his – Obama’s – top priorities.

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Joy and Anger as St. James Woman Hits 114 by imonz69

Indescribable scenes of joy and anger were played out simultaneously today in and around the Fitts Village home of Mrs. Rosaline Gaskin leaving family, friends and neighbours alike in total shock and awe.

The arrival of Barbados’ distinguished Governor General, Sir Clifford Straughn Husbands, in his snazzy grey Volvo (GG1) accompanied by crack reportersvolvos40sm and photographers from the Nation, Advocate, CBC and VOB first drew the crowd.

Area elders tried hard to recall the last time such a prestigious ensemble had been together in the hood at one time to not report on a fire, murder or flood and couldn’t.

Possibly because it never happened.

Clutching a bunch of flowers, a bottle of champagne and a recent machine-autographed sepia portrait of Queen Elizabeth and dashing from his vehicle to Mrs. Gaskin’s modest chattel house the Governor General stayed mum about his visit.

As the desirably-attractive Nation journalist told the growing crowd, “He likes to surprise centenarians by dropping-in unannounced. In fact he didn’t know Mrs. Gasking had hit 114 until – understandably agitated and somewhat incoherant – she apparently called both the Nation and Advocate to tell us all about it and the Advocate uncharacteristically scooped us by calling the Governor General’s office before us to inform him.”

At her words the spectators looked incredulously at each other in embarrassed silence until Sir Clifford appeared at the door and faster than it takes to read this sentence sprinted back to his Volvo calling for the two accompanying police officers to give him cover.

As the Volvo shot off towards Jordan’s Supermarket 31-year-old Mrs. Gaskin came out with her identical twin sons – Walker and Texas Ranger – brandishing her by now tattered flowers and queen.

With a VOB microphone stuck in her face she explained how she’d had a very rough day. “At first I was told to go home by Cable & Wireless as they finally closed the “Help” desk in Barbados after 87 years of incomparable service and transferred it to St. Lucia to people who don’t know Fitts Village from a hole in their you know what.

“Then coming from Bridgetown and by now already in a rage a tyre burst after hitting a crater deeper than the Grand Canyon outside Il Tempio so I called both the Nation and Advocate and told them how furious I was at everything that had happened. I remember complaining about all the potholes up and down the West Coast and I think I told the girl “I’ve just hit 114.”

Contacted later an Advocate spokesperson said an urgent internal investigation was underway to find-out who took Mrs. Gaskin’s call. But added since most staffers are having a Christmas party on the Harbour Master tonight they may have to wait for clarity until next Monday or Tuesday.

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